Chivalry Vs. Feminism

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For the first few dates, at least, the guy should pay.Open doors and carry bags - but ask permission first.If another guy threatens your honor as well as hers, you should step up and deal with the situation.

"Call any woman ?the weaker sex? and see how far that gets you."

In the 1950s, the rules of dating etiquette were clearer. A man knew it was not only acceptable, but expected for him to open the door for his date, pull out her chair and pay for the meal. These days, the line between appreciated chivalrous acts and condescending behaviors is fuzzy at best. The feminist movement brought women the right to vote and earn equal pay, but it sure made the practice of dating more confusing in the process. It would be a dateless man indeed who didn’t acknowledge a woman’s right to make her own decisions when it comes to her life, her money, her body, and her mind -- but how do you reconcile that respect with the kind of attitude a man is encouraged to project on a date? When you’re initially getting to know a girl, it can be difficult to know whether she’ll see your actions as considerate or misogynistic.

The following are a few different situations that may come up during the beginning of a relationship, viewed from both sides of the aisle: that of a well-intentioned, old-fashioned gentleman and an enthusiastic, empowered woman. Which opinion should rule in these ambiguous circumstances?

Gentleman’s perspective: It’s gentlemanly to pull out my wallet and pay, especially on the first date. It shows I am financially secure and goes a long way to making a good impression on my date.

Feminist’s perspective: As an empowered woman, I can pay my own way, thank you very much. The man reaching for his wallet is an indication that he thinks I can’t take care of myself.

AM verdict: For the first few dates, at least, the guy should pay. If she isn’t a gold digger, the woman should at least offer to pay, but until a relationship is established, the man should expect to be shelling out for meals, drinks and movies.

Gentleman’s perspective: Opening the door for my girl or helping her carry her shopping bags is my duty as the stronger sex.

Feminist’s perspective: Call any woman “the weaker sex” and see how far that gets you. I am fully capable of opening my own doors and carrying my own bags.

AM verdict: Instead of asking if it’s OK, just say, “Let me help you with those bags.” If she’s adamant that she doesn’t need your help, back off.

There are a few more situations in which we pit chivalry against feminism... Next Page >>

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Leslie Nielsen: How To Deal With Horror Romances

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Face the problem head on... but keep your head.If you think your psycho girlfriend is about to do you some serious harm, beat her to it.When your love turns to terror, set her up with someone else.

"It?s a practical, well-known fact that nobody can take on Dracula and not be put down."

Leslie Nielsen passed away on November 28, 2010, at the age of 84, but his place in Hollywood history is assured; he was a bona fide silver screen comedic legend.

The Canadian actor began his career on American TV in the 1950s before getting his big-screen break in the sci-fi classic The Forbidden Planet. After appearing in hundreds of films, Nielsen was handed another crack at stardom in the '80s as a comedy actor in the spoof Airplane! after which he went on to cement his reputation as one of the best surrealist comic actors around as Frank Drebin in Police Squad and the Naked Gun franchise.

Since he made his name by appearing in bizarre nonsensical comedies, it's perhaps unsurprising that the veteran star's AskMen interview (conducted shortly before his death) ended up, well... slightly bizarre and nonsensical.

Join us, if you dare, as AskMen speaks with Leslie Nielsen, the star of Dracula: Dead And Loving It and Stan Helsing, to learn how to deal with relationships that go from rom-com to full-blown horror.

You know the type -- she starts off charming and sexy, but it turns out she only wants to suck you dry before moving onto the next man.

Leslie Nielsen vs. A Vampire:  “I’d just throw somebody else in her path: I’d probably hit her with a GEICO insurance salesman or somebody like that, because it’s a practical, well-known fact that nobody can take on Dracula and not be put down. The only way she could be put down would be by a wooden stake being driven through her heart.”

Leslie's Lesson: If you end up with a vampire girl, your best option is to set her up with someone else before it’s too late. Don’t set up a buddy, though, he’d never forgive you.

The werewolf girl is fine for the majority of the time, but once a month, for "reasons unknown" she turns into a beast who wants nothing more to destroy. She'll not be happy until she's torn your heart out and drunk your blood.

Leslie Nielsen vs. A Werewolf: “I would go up to one with her back turned to me, I would tap her on the back, and I would say, 'Excuse me, but are you a werewolf?' and she’d say, 'I’m sorry, what?' So I’d say, 'Werewolf?' and she’d say, 'Well, I’m a werewolf, and there’s another one down on the corner, so that’s where two of us are. What else can I do for you?' Silver bullets work too -- providing you're not out of them.”

Leslie's Lesson: Truth is, there is no solution to this perennial problem, so when she turns into a wolf, do as Leslie would: resort to reasoning. Hopefully she’ll be too confused to rip you to shreds.

After the break: Leslie Nielsen sets his sights set on zombies, aliens and axe murderers... Next Page >>

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Understanding Fetishes: Voyeurism & Exhibitionism

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Most of us have a little voyeur or exhibitionist in us.Both voyeurism and exhibitionism are considered paraphilias.Most voyeurs and exhibitionists are men.

"A voyeur and an exhibitionist appear to be a match made in paraphilic heaven. One loves to watch, the other loves to be watched."

Guys, have you ever had the desire to check out the hot neighbor while she's tanning by her pool? Have you ever fantasized about having sex in public? If so, you might have a little voyeurism or exhibitionism in your blood. Most of us do to some degree, but how much can mean the difference between fueling fantasies and satisfying erotic desires, or invading someone’s privacy and getting yourself in a load of trouble.
According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM IV), paraphilias are recurrent, intense, sexually-arousing fantasies, sexual urges or behaviors generally involving nonhuman objects, the suffering or humiliation of oneself or one’s partner, or children or other non-consenting persons.

Both voyeurism and exhibitionism are considered paraphilias. Voyeurism involves the act of observing an unsuspecting person in the process of disrobing or engaging in sexual activity. Exhibitionism involves the exposure of one’s genitals to an unsuspecting stranger. Each of these would be present for at least six months, and the person would have acted on these sexual urges, or had the urges or fantasies cause a marked distress or interpersonal difficulty to earn a diagnosis.

As with all unique sexual behaviors, having consent is essential. A keyword in the definitions of voyeurism and exhibitionism is “unsuspecting,” which implies a person hasn’t consented to the sexual behavior. For those of you who think you may fall into one or both of these paraphilia categories, a qualified mental health professional should diagnose voyeurism and/or exhibitionism. Treatment can help those who struggle with these desires.

A voyeur and an exhibitionist appear to be a match made in paraphilic heaven. One loves to watch, the other loves to be watched. You’d think this would make for beautiful music, but each person in the world has his own individual desires, turn-ons and limits, which can make it difficult to know where to draw the line when engaging in erotic desires. Often, consent plays an important role in whether people get turned on, turned off, angry, excited, or get in trouble with the law. For some, the idea of not having consent is what sexually arouses them, which can be a dangerous game to play.

These days, there are a number of ways people express their voyeuristic/exhibitionist desires, and they range from the harmless to the harmful.

Some examples of nonconsensual voyeuristic behaviors include using peepholes, spying and using concealed or hidden cameras to record individuals (i.e., Erin Andrews) for upskirt shots and in places like bathrooms, changing rooms and public/private environments.

Some examples of consensual voyeuristic behaviors could include watching a partner undress or masturbate, checking out an internet “live” cam, observing people at a nude beach, and watching people have intercourse at a sex club.

Keep in mind that those individuals on internet live cams, at a nude beach and those having intercourse at a sex club offer a certain degree of implied consent because they are aware they will be seen. Flashers and people engaging in public sex who purposely get caught may fall under non-consensual exhibitionists, while the exotic dancer and people who perform on webcams, have Skype sex or send photos of themselves through sexting may be considered consensual exhibitionists.

Understanding fetishes continues with a look into the psychology of voyeurism and exhibitionism... Next Page >>

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Adjusting To Her Intelligence

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"If she?s a member of Mensa or a regular girl with a regular IQ, you?ll need to know the smart way to adjust to her intelligence."

If a woman is very smart, she is used to having her brains as the focus.Smart or not, letting her talk about herself is key.Don't ever put a woman down for her mental strengths or weaknesses.A player is not someone who gets theirs and leaves a trail of broken hearts. A player is not someone who jumps from one shallow bed to the next. A player is that person who lives life like a legend, puts a woman into a passionate romance and works his job like he built the company. This player in particular has covered the globe as a photojournalist. Camera in one hand and laptop in the other, I’ve seen the best and the worst across time zones and international waters. In these travels, the foundations of how to play have been learned. 

Just as beauty runs the gamut, so does intelligence. There are the book-smart who borderline on genius with high IQs. There are the street-smart who may not have the scholastic credentials but know their way around tough situations. Brains are definitely another aspect of relationships that need to be addressed, and especially must be considered when a player is stepping up to a new lady. If she’s a member of Mensa or a regular girl with a regular IQ, you’ll need to know the smart way to adjust to her intelligence.

I’ve made love to a nuclear physicist and been intimate with a GED recipient. Both were good women who brought various aspects to the relationship. Why were they equally great? Because the emphasis, while dating, love-making and pursuing, was never about their intelligence. If a woman is highly intelligent, she is used to having her brains be the focus, similar to looks with an extremely beautiful girl. It will either be an annoyance for her or a boost to her arrogance. If a woman is not considered or doesn’t consider herself to be bright, she has also been judged by her intelligence. Focus on additional aspects of who she is and watch her react to you with intrigue. 
Her brains have always been judged. She’s either been called a nerd and a brainiac or a dimwit and a ditz. The key is to ask her about her interests, passions and knowledge. More than likely, other men have focused on her smarts (or lack thereof) and rarely asked her about her. People love talking about themselves and what they love. Once you find her expertise and what topic lights her up, pursue it, explore it and watch her open up to conversation -- and open up to getting to know you.

More brilliant ways to approach intelligent women next… Next Page >>

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Doc Love: Getting Used

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If she has a boyfriend and she's hooking up with you, she's just using you.You can't date a girl who isn't available.If she was really into you, she would break up with the other guy.

"You don?t hang out with girls, Drazen. You date them."

This week's question comes from a reader who is in love with a girl in another relationship.
Hey Doc,

I’ve been looking through your columns and trying to find a situation close to mine. Most of the other men’s situations are missing my key problem -- the other guy. I haven't read “The System” yet.

I met Alita through my best friend two months ago. We’ve gone out for drinks and hung out on many occasions. There is a strong attraction between us. Every date ends with a heavy make-out session, but our relationship never goes further because she says she has a boyfriend. What I don’t understand is that if Alita is willing to tell me -- and show me for that matter -- the way she feels about me, then why is the boyfriend even an issue? I don’t expect any type of relationship to come of this, but I just don’t want be led on time and time again, only to be kicked to the curb at the end of the summer when she leaves town to go back to school (which is where her boyfriend lives).

I told Alita, “I just wish I wasn’t being put into the friend zone,” and she replied that she didn’t want to put me in the friend zone. Her next statement really got me, though. She said “I just want things to stay the same until I finish school. Then we’ll see what happens.”

Doc, what am I doing wrong? How can I make this work? This is the girl every man wants to marry, be with, love, and God knows I would do what it takes to make it work. Should I give up hope?

Drazen - who’s going crazy over her

Hi Drazen,

While it’s true that I give you guys a ton of information in my columns, I also hold back a lot because of the constraints of time and space. The vital, deeper information is in my book, “The System.” Unless you own and memorize that essential volume, you’re never going to successfully put all of this information together and make it work. Why? Because “The System” is the combination to the safe that contains the truth. Like my cousin Rabbi Love says, “The Dating Dictionary is the Bible of Romance. You’ll never know the commandments of love without it.”

You don’t hang out with girls, Drazen. You date them. But hold it right there. You’re telling me that you’re falling for a girl who already has a boyfriend? What you don’t seem to realize is that Alita is not available. When you meet a girl, you have to pass the Physical Attraction Test, she has to have at least 51% Interest Level in you, and she cannot have a boyfriend. Without having all of these requirements fulfilled, you can’t do anything with her.

If a girl has a boyfriend and she’s kissing you, all you’re ever going to be is a boy toy, somebody she plays with on the side while the other guy isn’t around. Drazen, what this means is that Alita is using you, misleading you and giving you false hope. Or, like my cousin Fast Eddie Love from East L.A. says, “This woman is no good.” She has no character. She has no honesty. She has no Loyalty. She has no Integrity. You can’t trust her. Otherwise, she’s great! And by the way, how do you think her boyfriend would feel if he found out that you were making out with his girl? Of course most men in America are weak when it comes to women, so he wouldn’t have the guts to get rid of her anyway.

Read on for Doc Love's prognosis for Drazen... Next Page >>

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Bros Before Hos: Part I

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The ultimate rule is to never cancel plans with your friends to do something with your girl.Pillow talk is dangerous.Allow your relationship to benefit your friends, as well.

"Sometimes a girl will want to monopolize all your time and attention; other times, she'll want to sever your last bond to the single life: your friends."

At the start of a new relationship, you may find yourself consumed by your new flame. All your time is spent with her and your calendar is booked weeks in advance with your shared plans.

The losers in this blissful situation are your friends -- the ones who were there when you were single. It's easy to find the guys being pushed out of your plans as you embark on a new and exciting relationship, but it's also wrong.

You need your friends -- you always have and you always will. That's why our Bros Before Hos Rulebook will guide you through the tricky process of balancing your girl and your guys. Here are the rules to live by.

Scenario: "Dude, I know we're supposed to be watching the game, but she really wants to go look at wallpaper."

The ultimate rule in the Bros Before Hos Rulebook is to never cancel plans with your friends in order to do something with your girl. In the good old days, a gentleman's word was his bond; if he said he was going hunting with the gang, he went hunting.

After making plans with your friends, you may find that your girlfriend comes up with other things to do like shopping, visiting other friends or spending a quiet night in.

You need to stand firm. If you start canceling plans, you'll quickly find that there's never a good time to hang out with your own friends. Sometimes a girl will want to monopolize all your time and attention; other times, she’ll want to sever your last bond to the single life: your friends. If you made plans with the guys, you have to stick to them, reminding her that the two of you can do things together the next day or the day after.

Scenario: "Don't ever tell him I told you this, but...."

Pillow talk is dangerous. Laying there, completely relaxed with someone you're starting to trust entirely, it's easy to find yourself passing on secret hopes and fears... as well as the secrets of your friends that they would prefer kept hidden.

There are a few reasons you might do this. You could be trying to entertain her with amusing episodes. It might be an attempt to look more alpha male by knocking down potential rivals. Or you could just find yourself being tricked into spilling more about your past.

In any case, embarrassing, humiliating or harmful secrets about your bros are best kept between the two of you. In revealing these, you're trusting the girl equally or more than your closest friend. It's doubtful you'd be happy if your bro aired your dirty laundry to his girl, nor would you tell your girlfriend's secrets to him.

Scenario: "Buddy, I can't meet you tonight, but I'll be seeing all of you on Friday. That's cool, right?"

When you're trying to balance a relationship and your bros, you may be tempted to kill a few birds with one stone and make sure you're there for the big group nights. This is noble (at least you're trying), but it's far from ideal.

More bros before hos rules… Next Page >>

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Masturbation: Ask Dr. Chaves

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Masturbation is actually good for you.If you're lacking in penis size, make up for it in other areas.If she's having trouble having an orgasm, talk to her about it.

"Insomnia kicks in and you can?t sleep? Rub one out."

Hi Dr. Chaves,

I’m 20 years old, and I masturbate regularly. I have been doing this for the past five to six years. Will I be affected in any manner? Please help me.

R.L., DE

Depending on what you mean by masturbating “regularly,” I can’t think of a more healthy and fun way to keep your mind and body in great shape. Some people feel guilty or ashamed about a behavior that is natural, normative and quite harmless. Others masturbate so often it impacts their functioning and lives in negative ways (compulsive masturbation). For most, touching yourself can be helpful to your physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual self. Feeling a little anxious? Go touch yourself. Insomnia kicks in and you can’t sleep? Rub one out. Feeling so horny you’re about to hump a park bench? Calm your libido with a nice ejaculation.

In addition, masturbation helps increase our immune functioning, relieves tension and stress, has been associated with improved prostate health and lowered blood pressure, increases muscle tone in the genitals (and in one arm), and helps alleviate menstrual-related symptoms in women. As for your sperm, your testicles work hard to create trillions of new mature sperm in a lifetime. Letting out a few billion here and there is perfectly fine. You don’t need help; you just need a quiet, private place and some lube.

Hey Dr. Chaves,

I can only last around five minutes during sex -- and it’s embarrassing. I’m four and a half inches erect and I need help. Any tips?

L.C., OK

You’re not alone with feeling embarrassed about penis size and length of time in the sack. If women only knew how concerned guys are with topics like this, we’d all have more empathy for each other. Maybe we’d be more honest in the bedroom, and that would lead to better sex. For great tips on lasting longer and overcoming rapid ejaculation, check out this AskMen article on premature ejaculation.

Your penis size doesn’t have to be an obstacle if you learn to supplement it with other areas of lovemaking. Learn to be a sexpert at performing things like massages, manual and oral sex, and foreplay. Learn the positions and angles of penetrations that accentuate G-spot stimulation and learn to use sex toys with your partner.

Most importantly, learn how to be a great boyfriend and make her feel sexy, supported and loved. I’d suggest reading as many books as you can on relationships, sex and communication, and that you watch sex education videos like those of Sinclair, Nina Hartley, Tristan Taormino, or Vivid for improving technique. Most women would trade an inch or two for all those things I described.

Find out what to do when your partner can't orgasm...

  Next Page >>

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